i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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