Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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