Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
