I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
