its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
