i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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