He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
