Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
