literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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