Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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