My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
