Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
