I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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