dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
