My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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