I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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