I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
