I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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