I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
