so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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