New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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