i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
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I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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