I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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