The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
