Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
