So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I need a burrito and a hug.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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