when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize