Just fell off a train. Bad.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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