guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
