Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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