nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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