Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
