Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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