The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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