you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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