the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
