Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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