Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
