My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
