Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
