New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
