Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
