Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Randomize
