My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
