maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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