Heybabeimwearingurpanties
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
