Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
