Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
