You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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