I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
this hospital has no fireball
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
