Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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