I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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