You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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