I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
