you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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