guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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