Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
